Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Blog Your Heart

This is the second "Blog Your Heart" challenge that my friend, Stephanie Howell, has encouraged. I've been wanting, again, to share my heart, so here I am. Doing just that. It was my excuse. Rather, it was my inspiration to go ahead and share some different shades of myself.

This past month or so has been extremely difficult for me.

I've been an abyss of depression, and without my faith and family, frankly, I don't know what would have happened.

Things have been challenging...

to express myself, even through this blog, and to others.

in fact, i really believe many don't understand mental illness.

and it has stung my heart.

i have felt almost PUNISHED for feeling this way. it's not my fault, and i've had to deal with repercussions from it. hurtful ones, at that.

i've been misunderstood. judged. challenged. but also loved. hugged. smiled at. prayed for.

i've felt such passion for my husband in my heart that goes beyond what i've ever felt for him, even back in the newlywed world.

he's been there for me. sticking it out, willingly, helpfully, compassionately...listening, not judging. knowing, not guessing.

Sunday, when I should have been excited for a fish fry with his whole side of the family, I was overwhelmed and exhausted after church. Frozen. Tearful. In bed. My husband gently got on the bed next to me, wiped my tears, and held me. For how long, I don't know. I wish it could've been forever.

The sun was shining. It might as well have been the rainy dreary days we have every other day.

I couldn't enjoy it. All day. And I tried. Believe me, I tried. I went to his parents house. But after a few hours, got out of the overwhelming social situation and went back home with my dad after he dropped Ella off from horse riding. I spend the rest of the afternoon and evening sitting beside a delightful fall evening fire in their fireplace, and talking with my lovely mother and father. It was the best for me.

I sent my love to my mother in law. I think she understood. I had began to cry hard there at her house, and had to "hide" so others couldn't see. It wasn't a best moment. I couldn't pull it together.

I was able to get a few photos that afternoon....this one....it expresses so much of God's love for us, and as I mentally can say that, I can hardly transpose that thought deep within my heart where I can KNOW it because it's so tough right now in every aspect of my life.



How I manage to homeschool my kids right now, I have no clue. My mind is fragmented most of the time. Except, I keep thinking that each day would get better. It might be getting better but it's still early to know since I am now on new (very expensive- like at least $3 a pill) medicine but so far, have had samples from my nice, generous doctor. Rich has told me a couple times this week he has seen my countenance "glow." While I have not "seen" this myself, I'll trust him.

My baby is growing up so fast..he'll be three years old November 10, and it's breaking my heart. Change is hard.

I'm quietly, hopefully strongly, progressing. Slowly, I wish swiftly. I have to be careful of how I put myself out there. I don't really feel that I have too many friends that understand so I want to keep myself and my heart safe. I don't want to express beyond this post, to other people how I'm doing. Just trust that God will not give up, because I have read his promises, I've hidden them in my heart since I was a "wee girl." I love the Lord and without his Love for me, where would I be? More lost than I am. More tired than I am. But, with him, I have hope and a future.

My praises to him are quiet.

I sing and play piano with soft notes, I am not wired to be loud. This is just who I am. Quiet reverence. I will reach up to him quietly, with willing arms, and the love that surrounds me already, that is from Him. I will listen.

Listen to HIS quiet still voice to me.

It is what I long to hear and desire in my heart. That sweet, savoring whisper. Calling me to him, drawing me near.

I love you, Lord.

5 comments:

cynthiagael said...

Oh my dear. Thank you so so much for posting this. Tears are streaming down my cheeks. I could have written this post. Every word (except for your baby turning 3, my baby just turned 12). I tried to share with my husband this afternoon about the deadness in my heart, and he totally didn't get it. He thought it was because of my thought life. So. Wrong. I have scripture and worship songs in my head. I put them there on purpose. My husband is my greatest supporter, but he just doesn't understand. I hope to see our dear Doctor (who is a family friend first) this week to see about anti-depressants. I've tried to keep it under cover of a joyful front, but the spontaneous tears give me away. I don't even know you, but because of our mutual relationship with Jesus, we will spend eternity together, and there will be no more tears there, right?

Blessings to you, my sis.

Stephanie Howell said...

oh you are so so brave to share this. i cannot, will not say i don't understand. that would be insulting because i don't. i do know this...you are fearfully and wonderfully made. and you are amazing. thank you.

Anonymous said...

I am reminded of scripture that I think of often: "He knows what we need before we even ask." I cannot recall which book so I will look it up when I get home to verify that I did not make it up.

I am awed by your singular reflection upon God's goodness and mercy in your life EVEN in the midst of deep trials and perhaps travail. I pray for healing joy and to remember to LTTS.

..pc...

Anonymous said...

I am reminded of scripture that I think of often: "He knows what we need before we even ask." I cannot recall which book so I will look it up when I get home to verify that I did not make it up.

I am awed by your singular reflection upon God's goodness and mercy in your life EVEN in the midst of deep trials and perhaps travail. I pray for healing joy and to remember to LTTS.

..pc...

Keshet said...

This is a beautiful post--I will be thinking of you!