My friend, Laura Frantz, posted a devotional which spoke to my soul this very day. My thoughts have been ones of pain and discord, confusion and self-doubt, fear and loss. Mostly of my own doing have these thoughts sprung up, or, rather, continued their rooting in my heart. I'd rather keep on digging my own little hole so I can bury my head in it. It's safer than putting myself out there. Sorting through my passions to see what should I do now? Trying to answer "what does God want for my life" all while homeschooling, feeling more pain and fatigue than usual, and feeling separated from people or things at the same time. Yes, wish for that comfort-filled mind, the comforting thoughts of the Lord, the comfort-filled verses from the Word. As I mindlessly try to grasp these things on my own, I see myself getting ahead of myself but further behind. Climbing up when I'm clearly falling down. My thoughts continue to drive me to other shadowy places, allowing no solace.
When I read Laura's post, my heart groaned with that lack of comfort to feed it. Where could I have that grace filled peace of mind again? How do I stop myself from spinning in this cycle? What does one do to fill those holes? It feels most certainly like a test. A long-time in training. And just when I had so many more faith-filled moments in my life, studying and meditating on the word.
Isn't that always the timing?
We place our hearts in God's hands. He molds us. This "ministry" seems to be "too lofty" to me! It IS worth a lot. It is DIFFICULT.
But I can answer how often I have been able to help someone.
I can say that humbly...not to gain worthiness in anyone's eyes. It seems I can empathize quite a bit, in a variety of ways.
Not that I really want to. I'd rather feel that comfort all the time. But when I CAN enjoy that comfort, oh, what a sweet tender embrace it is. There's nothing like it. It is not only comfort- it's grace. It is love. It is a blossoming of faith. It is being real.
I want to gather those moments, place them on my wall, in my heart, on the faces of my children. I want to see them EVERYDAY. I want to hear them loud and clear, softly and tenderly.
I pray for comfort despite the storm that fills my mind. And when it comes, I will give freely to others all the more.
This photograph is a niche in my sister in law's home...my brother's guitar in the back of their comfy chair. I imagine it as a place I'd be sitting, taking in refreshing breaths of air. I wonder how many "niches" God has in the mansion He prepares for me. I wonder how delightful it will be to not have to LOOK for such a place. It would be JUST THERE. FOR ME. for me. for you.