Thursday, January 12, 2012
writing with confidence
Man cannot discover new oceans
unless he has the courage
to lose sight of the shore.
~ Andre Gide ~
Courage is not simply one of the virtues,
but the form of every virtue at the testing point.
A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English Proverb ~
A ship in the harbor is safe
...but that’s not what ships were made for.
~ Anonymous ~
So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
As I go on to the next step on my writing journey, I come to a crossroads. Do I share what my pen has revealed on paper, or do I rip the sheet out of my own hand and discard it where no other may view it.
Why does the thought plague me- I am too scared to have someone say they see no point in my writing.
Should this be of any concern, truly? Should it? REALLY? How does one individual give to another so much power as if to say, yea or nay?
So goes the question in all of art. It's the essence of its nature.
As an artistic soul, I have shown others my heritage gathering side in scrapbooking, and have always been commended for the skill in which I wrap a page carefully up with all sorts of pretty things. Granted, I have not been "out there" for all to see. I am not a "scrap celebrity" or even been published with a layout in a magazine. No, I have plugged away at my own, self satisfying artistic goal of creating a framework for my photographs to be seen in. There was a time when, after producing kits for a certain store, my work was redisplayed under the name of another. My own work barely adjusted to look like the new work. It was a matter of God's timing for me to discover this, this flattery of sorts. Oh, it caused strife in my heart because I could not believe someone would take my work and seem to claim it as their own with no regard for what I did in the beginning. Yes, a compliment of sorts, but it really did nothing to boost my confidence. As I have progressed with so much other things to do with my children, this has become a back burner job. No longer something I truly enjoy, except to ponder. Yes, I enjoy thinking of scrapbooking, and thinking of different things I'd use. But to pull the projects out and work on them, that is not on the table.
Moving on, the subjective way of photography is something I've felt as well. I've had first hand knowledge of some who do not care for my style. It can hurt, a simple prick of a little needle on the finger that snaps the shots. You move on, and I decide that anyways, too much is too much, the public aspect and business aspect of the photography thing is just not my cup of tea. I enjoy it so much, but to be too diligent with it is to remove the joy instantly. I want not to do that. Take a picture without enjoying the process? No. Thank. You. I simply make sure the person knows who they are dealing with. This photographer is not a "portrait" photographer. I have a different way of doing things, and will. NOT. CHANGE. it. because it works for me. It's what God enabled me to do.
As I prepare to extend my writing to someone, via queries or what have you, who could perhaps send its on its merry way to a publisher someday, I find myself more nervous than ever before. The confidence I need has waned since I last strapped it to my armor. It did not stay adhered very well, in fact. It fragmented itself to little pieces, and as I worried here and there, it fell bit by bit, until I no longer recognized that confidence and faith but saw the same old me.
Yesterday's post still rings true today. There is comfort in confidence. Without confidence, this certain lady has no comfort. Without comfort, this girl finds herself mentally taxed, worries, stressed needlessly, hopes in despair, thoughts unorganized even more. It's a tried and true way to unwrap all the hopes and dreams of a writer. Isn't it?
How do I maintain that confidence once the Lord has revealed it to me? How do I let that light shine? How does one GO ON with what God is calling them to do and receive WELL the proper things needed to carry on His purpose in my life.
To me, it is a never-ending process. I have no recipe. I do not have a thing to tell myself to remind myself to just stop it and stare down the challenge with the right to win.
Confidence would gleam so brightly in my world if I just could have it for once. Being a quiet girl does not help. It shares a "stay back" and "forget it" kind of treat with its friend. It's yummy and both hang out, not revealing their true purposes. Not sharing with others what they can do, what they have to offer.
And why, oh why, does confidence elude me in the face of accomplishing one of the MOST EXCITING THINGS I have EVER done?! To this mentally, fibro-fogged lady, writing a novel was the last thing I thought I could ever do, although I dreamt forever to do so. And I mean For. EVER. Since I was in elementary school.
In college, professors pleaded I switch over to their particular major because of my writing. I have always been told it is exceptional. As I come to this place in my life, however, having three children and staying at home has seemed to replace some of those brain writing cells I use to have.
Do I really have what it takes to stand up against the rest of the world with my writing? Can I advocate it, send it out there to be received as it will? How does my heart and emotions deal with the positive and negative? It seems to me, to be too much. That's the honest, hard to hear truth. It seems TOO MUCH.
So all I can do is pray. Trust God. pray. Trust God. and so on.